Jan. 6, 2012 at 2:38am with 5 notes
rant.

A long long time ago, one of my god mothers (technically she is my brother’s godmother, but her husband is my god father so I just see her as my god mother anyways) was pregnant with twins. The idea of her finally having children always delighted me. The gift of life amazed me, and watching her glow made me happy. I remember the day we came to visit her after labor. There were a lot of family and friends surrounding her so I could barely see the newborns. Finally, it was my turn to see the babies. However, I only saw one. I was absolutely confused. I looked around for another one of those plastic boxes that held the babies (which I always found very displeasing to see a baby in a plastic container, I really don’t know why). I stepped out to find my mom and aunt. I finally asked my mom where the other baby was. My mom and my aunt laughed at me and said there wasn’t another baby, the other one didn’t make it. Now that I’m older, I learned that the baby was dead before they delivered her, which makes me sad to ever think of. I remember at her funeral, her coffin was so small it look like I could carry it. I saw the baby in the coffin, she looked very…peaceful and comfy. The only thing that kind of frighten me was how they covered her face in powder..er make up. That was the only child funeral I have ever been to and I don’t think I ever want to go to another one. That day I had to stand in front of the podium and be the voice of the baby who passed. I had to read a letter about how I am now in the arms of God, and I am no longer hurting. I can’t remember the rest of it, but I did find it last summer cleaning out my closet. I couldn’t read it all. The entire time I was presenting this speech, I listened to my godmother cry hard, really hard. I felt like I was torturing her. Anyways, after that I started to fear that I would lose my family one day. I know now that we will all sometime die. But I absolutely feared it. I was always afraid to wake up and find out that someone I loved just died. And this was back before my preteen day or maybe even during. So I took the time every night to say “Good night and I love you” to everyone. And that I wasn’t mad at anyone before I went to bed. I don’t do that as much now because well.. my families doors are always shut before I could and most of the time nowadays I’m not home early enough to do so. Our family isn’t the one that talks to each other anymore. Most of the time I just hear them yell at each other, and occasion I hear myself yelling at them. I don’t like butting in into their argument, but it puts me in a mood that I can’t help it. It makes me feel like one day one of us will go to sleep furious at another and wake up and that person is gone. FOREVER. I never shared this with anyone, I don’t think. And I have no idea why I am talking about it now. Maybe it’s just for the fact that I’ve been home all week mostly, in my room doing nothing and I am slowly but surely feeling more and more depress. I’m feeling lonely lately, and I don’t know why. Or maybe for the fact I just finished a book that had a lot of sad parts in it. Or maybe it is the fact that sometimes I no longer see my family as a family no more. There is no expressed love everyday because we are so busy ignoring each other. Instead, we are on Facebook, Tumblr, playing xbox 360, etc. Don’t get me wrong, my family isn’t perfect, but I will still forever love them unconditionally. I just wonder if its the same vice versa. I wonder if this makes any sense. I wonder if anyone will read it. I don’t know if there is a point to this rant, but I done now.

  1. xonniee posted this